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Down The Rabbit Hole: My Addiction Story Part 2

It is crazy the amount of judgement that is passed by people who don't struggle with the same affliction. At a point in time in my life I was among those casting judgement. This is why it is imperative that we keep our mouths and thoughts from condemning others lest we find ourselves in the same situation. My mother struggled with her own addiction issues at one point and time in her life. I thank God that He as freed her from those issues while increasing her faith in Him. I used to be so angry with her because I didn't understand her plight. I was so judgemental and I looked down on her because she fell off the pedestal that I had her on. Now, let me just say this; while my mother struggled with her own personal experiences she was always consistent in taking care of her children. She taught my brother and I about the Lord and she would read Bible stories to us when we were young. She became a minister of the Gospel and I was proud of who she was in Christ. That is why it was so hard for me to understand how she found herself in the midst of addiction. Then I found myself in the middle of my own. I just chose a different substance to abuse. Looking back on my past behaviors and disrespect towards her, I am deeply ashamed. Regardless of my feelings she is my mother and she should be honored because that is what the Lord requires of me. I now understand her because I have gone through my own problems. Once a substance is introduced into your body, your brain chemistry changes. For people who have addictive personalities along with trauma, deep seeded hurt and pain; a substance that has the potential for addiction can end up being lethal. While she was in the middle of her addiction, I was starting mine. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was blind to my addictive behaviors. As I look back on my journey it was at sixteen years old that my behavior was becoming a little more erratic. I began making some choices that I am still trying to forgive myself for. My self control and my self esteem were at an all time low. I put on a mask with everyone around me. It was those closest to me that could see the real Tabria. Thank God for my Grannies and Aunt Louise. They knew way more about me than I gave them credit for. I am truly disgusted with myself for some of the choices I made in my relationship with the both of them. Instead of condemning me, they just kept loving me anyway and continued to pray for me and steer me in the direction of God. I, however decided that Tabria was going to do what Tabria wanted to do. I would talk to God whenever I felt the need to and the rest of the time I would act plum foolish. To be continued...

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