Why do I use God as a crutch? Not in a good way either. I've continued to walk in this particular pattern of sin, knowing I can always run back into the embrace of the Lord, and He will forgive me. He always will. At some point, that becomes demonic because those are manipulation attempts of God's love. I see now that I have walked in the spirit of manipulation for as long as I can remember. I was manipulating people with my words and using God as a cover-up for my evil doing. Even as I write these words, I absolutely can't stand who I am or what I have done. It burdens my heart because, in all of my mess, I have mistreated God when He has so graciously blessed me. So much doubt creeps into my mind as my thoughts swirl with darkness. So bad I want to think clearly, but the fear has a stronghold in my life that seems as though it doesn't want to break. I've made irrational choices like a double-minded man unstable in all his ways. Even in my moments of uncertainty, I know that God meets me where I am. Becoming aware spiritually is not an easy process, but I find joy in knowing that God loves me enough to reveal the things that are hindering my relationship with Him. No one is beyond redemption...if they want it.