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Rejection & Abandonment Part 1

Prior to me marrying my husband I dated within my race. Of course I had thoughts about dating outside of my race before I actually did it, but with black men I felt there was a familiarity and I knew how to deal with them. Now, I am about to reveal some emotions that could be seen as controversial, however that means nothing to me. My life and how I live it is not based upon the rules of society and their never ending problems. I have had major issues with black men and for a long time I couldn't understand the root of the problem. I couldn't make out any other emotion except anger. I knew where my extreme disappointment stemmed from, but I just couldn't understand where the disgust for all black men was coming from. I have had positive experiences with black men though. For example my Uncle Scotty is amazing! He is not only my uncle, but my pastor as well. He cared for me as a child at multiple points in my life and he has always been a source of support. After him it ends there for me. I have endured abuse at the hands of black men from the age of 8. I was beaten like a slave whenever I would get in trouble. I have been molested by multiple men on both sides of my family. It was so frequent that I believed it to be normal. I was so confused that I thought is was some type of love. I grew up wanting validation on my looks and my body because I felt that these guys held the power for me to believe I was beautiful. Now that I am older I understand the difference, but my self-esteem growing up was based upon how others viewed me and not how I viewed myself. In the last three years God has been revealing things to me that is in my heart. These are revelations that I didn't realize where way in the deep folds of my subconscious that only God can get to. Now Reader, my relationship with God isn't perfect by any means. I have struggled with habitual sins for over a decade. With that being said, I am eternally grateful that God continues to call my name and He hasn't given up on me. These last three years have started my preparation for what is to come. I have been searching for the answers to why I am just utterly disgusted by black men. I don't mean their physical appearance, but their actions. Why they choose not to take care of their own, but will take care of another man's children. Why they want to call black women aggressive and angry, but don't stop to think that they may be the cause of her anger. I know that isn't ALL black men, but it is the majority. Let's just keep it all the way real. In the last two weeks, God has revealed my issues with them. I have been rejected by black men more times than I can count. Being cheated on, beat, criticized for my physical appearance and other forms of abuse has really tainted my outlook on them. The rejection made me angry. I felt unworthy of all the things a young woman hopes for in her future. I felt discarded and the compliments I would receive from people like my Aunt Louise would fall on deaf ears. Every black man I dated failed me in some kind of way and I felt that if I continued on that path I would never find what I was looking for. To be continued...

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