Sometimes things we face in life can cause us to harden our hearts towards the Lord. We stop praying as much, going to church, reading His Word and obeying the leading of the Holy Spirit. This behavior will have us doing things that we shouldn't be doing and walking in disobedience. I find myself in a season where things around me are in disarray. I have been all over the place and walking in the spirit of confusion. My first ministry (my marriage) has fallen apart and the trauma of my past has come to a head. My heart has been so hard that I could barely cry any tears because not only has the pain been so great, but I found myself not caring anymore. I didn't care about my marriage or my husband and his feelings. I could only see and think about my pain and my feelings. I have been urged by friends and family to pray and fast, but for whatever reason I couldn't bring myself to do it. I have instead acted out of my emotions.
The Bible tells us in Colossians 3 to keep seeking the things above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. It goes on to say in verse 5 that we should put to death the things in our nature that belong to the earth like sexual immorality, impurity, shameful passion, evil desire and greed which is idolatry. Now I have to pause right there at the first sin it speaks about. The traumatic events I have faced throughout my life, I haven't completely dealt with. I would push it to the back of my mind because I just didn't want to deal with the pain, it is so uncomfortable for me. Instead, I would try to run from it not realizing that I wherever I would run it would run with me and arrive to the destination before I would even get there. This has caused me to have a false image of myself. I have sought out validation from men through their desires for me, sex and even emotional affairs for majority of my life. I felt that my value rested on them and if I was rejected, then I was worthless. I now know better and the world even has a saying, "when you know better, you do better". That isn't necessarily true though. It takes the power of God to do better.
When we reject God's power, it is impossible to become the best version of ourselves. When we refuse to humble ourselves before the mighty hand of God and seek His face, we stay walking in the wilderness. The transformation that He desires to do in our lives comes to a halt and we become stagnant. We go through things that we wouldn't have to experience if we would just be obedient. I have gone through demonic attacks, more trauma and even more pain. Don't be like me, a hard head makes a soft behind.
Now I am working on getting myself together. It took me a month to realize that my way just isn't working. I am turning my face back to the Lord and laying everything at the feet of Jesus. I am learning to let the past go and truly forgive those who have hurt me. It is taking me multiple attempts to forgive because it just doesn't come so easily for me like it does for others. I also encourage therapy because it is a helpful tool to face the trauma and pain head on and deal with it. God has put people here on earth to help us along our journey to greater. In this walk we face many battles, but they don't belong to us, they belong to the Lord. Don't abandon the Lord because we just can't make it without Him. Unhealthy coping mechanisms can't replace God. I am just so grateful that He doesn't give up on us and no matter what He is faithful.