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Surrender: The Two Heads on the Same Coin

Every single day I ask myself, when will this war be over? I am constantly stressed, ready to fight or take flight off in the cosmos somewhere. I am genuinely fighting to live every single day. Now let's not get crazy; I am not speaking of suicide. I know for a fact I don't have the elements it takes to do that to myself. Heaven is the greatest hope that my heart longs for. No Reader, I am fighting between the Tabria who wants to please the Lord and the Tabria who "wanna do what she wanna do." A hot mess, right? My grandma used to say, "Tabria, you wanna have it your way; you don't want to surrender." Many times she has said that to me. With the teachings of her and my mother, the last couple of years of my life have been one learning experience right after the other. God has begun to show me the error in my ways. Let me tell you, chile; it doesn't feel good. As soon as I started digesting one issue, here came another one. Like, alright, Lord, can you give ya girl a break down here? Okay, now before you get all shocked and whatnot like OMG, she speaks to the Lord like that? How disrespectful! God serves multiple roles of longing in my life. In one of my encounters with Him, He let me know that He is not some significant, powerful being out of touch with His children. He said, see me as your friend. For me, that made it easier to talk to Him. While I have accepted Christ as my Savior, I struggle with accepting Him as my Lord. Accepting Christ as my Lord takes trust and faith. If you ask my opinion, I tend to waver in those areas like a ship struggling against the sea's waves. It was with a powerful message that was sent to me that God revealed why I struggle so desperately to trust Him. Growing up, I had many issues with my father, and while I love my dad dearly, I find it hard to trust him. As a result of the issues that I had with my earthly father, I found out that it has affected my relationship with my heavenly Father. Powerful right? My relationship with the Lord started very early. I was always in church since I was a baby in my mother's arms. As I grew older, I participated in a lot of church activities. It was my grandma that helped me uncover my talent for singing. I could never thank her enough for that because through song and crying out to the Lord, I have been able to get through some of my darkest hours. It seems that Tabria (yes, I am talking about myself in the third person) has a bit of a problem with control. I know God has supplied all of my needs according to His riches and glory by Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19) I just wanted things my way, and every single time I find myself in a mess that I can't get out of. To be continued...

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