Thanksgiving was the holiday I looked forward to the most. It was a tradition for me to spend it with my grandparents every year. On January 11th, 2020, my best friend died. My grandmother was the best part of Thanksgiving for me. I enjoyed spending time with her with every opportunity I had. I loved our conversations, and she made some of the best food ever. I absolutely LOATHE cancer with every fiber of my being. This year has been the absolute worst year in my life, filled with grief, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, drug use, and tears almost every single day. While suicide is never an option for me, the notion lingers in my psyche like a disease that keeps returning. I have never felt so much pain in my life. No matter what I was going through, my grandmother was always there as a source of support. Not only that, but she was the godliest woman I knew. Some days are better than others dealing with the constant pain, but Thanksgiving was tough. I literally felt surrounded by darkness. As I cried out to God, I screamed in so much pain at the top of my lungs. I wanted to cause harm to myself. I asked God why? Why? Why? Why?
I don't feel as though I received an answer. I feel alone a lot. I know God is there, but it makes it hard for me because I can't see Him. My grandma was someone who always told me to trust in the Lord, and I know that if I wanted to make heaven my home, I had absolutely no choice. I just have to be thankful that I still have another chance despite my mistakes. God continues to renew His grace and mercy for me daily. I don't want my life to be in vain. So I have to keep going because it is my desire to dwell with the Lord forever. Just like my Grannies.