Thanksgiving was the holiday I looked forward to the most. It was a tradition for me to spend it with my grandparents every year. January 11th 2020 my best friend died. My grandmother was the best part of Thanksgiving for me. I enjoyed spending time with her every opportunity I had. I loved our conversations and she made some of the best food ever. I absolutely LOATHE cancer with every fiber of my being. This year has been the absolute worst year in my life. Filled with grief, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, drug use and tears almost every single day. While suicide is never an option for me; the notion lingers in my psyche like a disease that keeps returning. I have never felt so much pain in all of my life. No matter what I was going through, my grandmother was always there as a source of support. Not only that, but she was the most godly woman I knew. Some days are better than others dealing with the constant pain; but Thanksgiving was especially hard. I literally felt surrounded by darkness. As I cried out to God, I screamed at the top of my lungs in so much pain. I wanted to cause harm to myself. I asked God why? Why? Why? Why?
I don't feel as though I received an answer. I feel alone a lot. I know God is there, but because I can't see Him it makes it hard for me. My grandma was someone who always told me to trust in the Lord and I know that if I want to make heaven my home, I have absolutely no choice. I just have to be thankful that I still have another chance in spite of my mistakes. God continues to renew His grace and mercy for me daily. I don't want my life to be in vain. So I have to keep going because it is my desire to dwell with the Lord forever. Just like my Grannies.