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The First Partaker

It has been months since my last post. The weight of my current experiences has been very heavy. I want to make something very clear. What write about is the true nature of where I see my life at the time. There are things I realize and others I don't. I am honest, open and transparent because I really hope someone will see and realize that God doesn't expect perfection. His arms are wide open for you to come just as you are. The amount of times I fall in my relationship with the Lord can't even be calculated. Yet and still, like a parent whose child has fallen, He picks me up and brushes me off again.

When I think back to the times I would imagine how my life would be at this age, I didn't imagine this. I thought I would be married, but not separated. I thought I would have at least one child by now, not being told I have PCOS and cysts on my ovaries. I find myself in a struggle in multiple areas of my life. Even the very words I have shared in previous posts on this platform make me feel like a fraud because I haven't been the first partaker of my words. Honestly that truly bothers me because I don't want to be that person. I want to walk in spirit and in truth. My emotions continue to run amuck and I have continued to act out of those emotions. The wounds that I have run even deeper than I thought.

It is hard to make good choices when you allow your emotions to speak louder than the Holy Spirit. I make a poor choice and then ask myself, now why did you do that Tabria? The almost immediate answer is because you ignored the leading of the Holy Spirit girl. I can hear my grandmother saying I just want to have my way. Well, she wasn't lying. I can fully see what she was saying now.

I am not making this post to preach. All I am trying to say is I am working on being the first partaker of the words that I share to encourage someone. Hypocrisy is something that is found all through the church and I personally want no part in it. I know that with God, He can transform me to be the godly woman that I see when I close my eyes. I just have to make the right choice.

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